When I don't care

Something insightful to my life hit me today, Tuesday April 5^th, also my mom’s birthday. Well let me preface this by saying I forgot to fill out a bracket in time to submit it to the plethora of CBS sports groups. My lack of a March Madness bracket had more to do with being busy and forgetting than a conscious choice.

So last night I was getting ready for bed early, because we had started a new work out plan that was going to be starting right before 6AM, ouch. I had looked at my espn sports app yesterday, so I knew that the college basketball championship was later Monday evening. I also love watching basketball and watch the championship every year, but I’ve been busy the past few weeks and continue to be busy here at the Academy as I work to finish some year long projects.

This morning I was working in the conference center on the property and one of the woman staff members was talking about who won the game last night, and I realized I hadn’t even checked who won! That was very surprising to me how I hadn’t cared at all who won, when, most times I’ll at least check to see who won in the morning after a big game.

As I thought about this, a pattern began to emerge from under the surface, much below, and it told the story of my sports affinities. I’ve found that when I don’t care as much about sports, it coincides rather directly a great condition of my spirit. And when I find myself highly anticipating, looking forward to and arranging my life around sporting events, then I tend to be off spiritually. I don’t think it is sports fault, but something in me that is looking for something at those times when I come to sports. It is quite bizarre and not that bizarre. Sports offer a type of entertainment that doesn't diminish depending on my condition. I could have the worst day of my life. I could be absolutely unmotivated and not inspired at all, but sports remain great. So if I’m struggling to find any contentment with my relationship with God, then sports offer a great alternative. Something to get excited about, something to cheer for, something to place my hopes in. I don’t want to discount sports, because I love watching them and going to events. I was at the Sunday game between the Phillies and Astros in Philly where Oswalt, a former Astro manhandled his former team… But it was still an incredible experience. I ran down Sepulvada Boulevard in Los Angeles with my shirt off yelling when Vince Young and the Longhorns won the National Title in 2005. But there is something off in the way I approach and look to sports at times where I’m struggling personally.

I was encouraged by my apathy towards the college basketball national championship. I don't know if others have found this pattern, but I’ve found it in myself and hope my appreciation for sports continues without any kind of reliance.

Is his love free?

The other morning I was reading in the small, book-shelved building we call the Old Library. Those shelves are littered with books printed before WWII and tend to create a wonderful mood for silent morning devotions. That morning I was hit me during the silence was the phrase, ‘love is free but trust isn't’. As I heard it, I knew I had heard something profound, something meant to speak to my heart. To speak to my shortcomings in caring for the people who don't care for me.

What I've found is something that has helped clarify why and how I am supposed to offer love and care to others, but also a limit. 

When first hearing that love is free, I was convicted that I have freely received love from God but then go and decide who I love. Like the man who had his enormous debt cancelled and went out and demanded payment for a pittance someone owed him. And what happened to him... But is love free? If I don't offer love freely to others, but love those who love me, then there might be a problem with my view of the love I've received. Am I trying to earn the love that is described in Romans as the free gift of God? The gift that is accepted through faith? Through believing that what God said is true and that Jesus is the way, truth and life? 

So I understand I cannot earn salvation, but make others earn the right to be loved by me. If someone hurts me, I withdraw and decide not to offer them love. I give gifts to those who deserve it by the way they have cared for me.... When I read Luke 6 and it speaks of sinners who love those who love them back, I am confused, because I don't think I love those who don't love me.

This is what that still small voice was getting at. We were offered love free. We didn't earn it. We don't earn it. We have done everything possible to be not deserving of that love. Part of my problem is understanding the 'done everything possible' part in my own life. I'm sure the more I come to grips with my depravity the faster I will be to offer grace and love to others.

But this is still confusing, because what does love all others freely look like? This is where that saying defined something crucial for me. We are to give love freely as we receive it from our Heavenly Father, but trust is not given freely. Trust is built, trust is discerned, trust isn’t free, trust I don’t offer to everyone. I don’t have a choice whether or not to love you, but I am given and guided in the choice whether to trust you or not.

Quote

This week we had a executive coach come and spend time with us. He challenged us in many ways and one thing he said stuck with me, "We must take as much responsibility as we can and no more." When thinking about our strengths, weaknesses, failures, successes, and sins, there are countless opportunities to blame others and there are great opportunities to consider our role in events, positive and negative, and learn from them.

He also said the breakfast of champions is feedback.

Inspiring Speech

I went to the National Prayer Breakfast last week where the writer of the movie Braveheart gave a speech which instantly became one of my favorites. In a room full of thousands of world leaders, he presented the Gospel in an amazingly unique and powerful way. It truly blew me away. Here's the link, his speech starts at 33:39, it runs about 25 minutes.

http://c-span.org/Events/National-Prayer-Breakfast/10737419386-1/

Enjoy, if you have any reflections please pass them on to me, I'm still trying to remember things he said